[

Current Mood

|

lost

]

I am beginning to doubt my choices. And that's not fair. They are my choices. I'm only 16. I'm easily swayed. I really have no idea what I want anymore, or what to decide. I feel like, when I tell most people my plans, they judge me, don't take me seriously, or try to change my mind, That's not fair. Next month, I turn 17. It's not a relly important year or anything. I don't know. Few people take into consideration what I want and where I am coming from. It's like I have to live my life for them. If I mess up, then I do. Don't judge me for it. Everyone wants me to do what they think is best for me, but none of them take the time to hear what I have to say. I know educations are important, I know, blahblahblah. I am not stupid or ignorant. I have knowledge. I am observant. And I am determined. I know what i want. And no one cares to know about it. I don't know why it matters. People are always trying to look out for me, and help me, and I really appreciate them. I appreciate educations too. I just don't like the way they are done. I get good grades, but I don't think the way people are graded is fair. "Life's not fair." Something's can be. Something's are out of our control. But the way things are graded? We should have some control over that. If I understand the material then i get a good grade. Something's are just difficult to understand. So, because you can't grasp a concept, even though you spend hours studying, and going in for help, and tutoring, you get a bad grade? That isn't fair. But, I, who never studies, and barely tries, but understands concepts, get good grades? That's isn't fair. I am actually a silly girl. Because, I am one of those people that doesn't try, but grasps concepts, therefore giving me good grades. And instead of accepting it, I argue about it, because I care about fairness. Does that make sense? No. Okay, so I have a lot on my mind. But I wish I knew what I was thinking. And what I want. I am having a tough time with that.


I literally just lost the will to do any of my plans. And I guess I really have on idea what I am going to do with my life at all. And I just lost all my inspiration and momentarily, my dreams have fluttered out the window and I don't know if I want to chase them back down, or just sit and do what everyone else is doing. I don't know if I want to go to college. I don't know if I want to take a year off. I don't know anything anymore. I just lost it all. And I really hope I can figure this out now. I had everything set up in a particular way, and now it's back to square one. Everything just fell down. I have absolutely no idea anymore. I am going to bed before I get upset.

[	Current Mood	|	cheerful	]
[	Current Music	|	Curse of Curves- Cute is What We Aim For	]

Whenever I fall asleep and wake back up, I am so disoriented, and my thought process has become so different in comparison . Over these past few weeks, I feel like I've really changed. I don't know, it's weird, but I see actual changes. I'm growing and learning. My mind is so wild. It rarely makes sense and is so skippy and fleeting. So much is going on up there. I'm so sily. So, so silly. I need to go, nothing understandable is going on now, I am not focusing on any thoughts. It's almost like I'm not thinking. What is going on? I don't know, but it's okay.



It's all okay.

[

Current Mood

|

creative

]

Another page is turned. Another ripped out. It’s like the end of a story.
Not knowing what to say,
and wasting time
Notebook after notebook wasted,
apologies no one has heard

Don’t close the book
Don’t turn the page
Don’t erase the words written
leave it be, let it rest
my hand is tired, and so are my eyes, I’m weary and restless

Another moment wasted writing words you'll never read
you never cared enough to write back to me
after you left I continued to write, and you continued to pretend I never existed
you tore out my heart like a page of empty words
I’ve carried these memories, written in scrawl, on paper napkins from nights out alone
things I wouldn’t tell anyone but you.

I’ve spent years, years of shredded papers and empty pens, writing letter’s no one’s read, trying to find the right words to say

Don’t close the book.
Don’t turn the page
don’t erase the words written
leave it be, let it rest
my hand is tired, and so are my eyes, I’m weary and restless

This isn’t what I wanted.
It isn’t fair to you or me
now all I have is a shattered heart and a pocketful of promises too broken to recognize and a book of letters left unread
And when everything is fallin’ apart, I think of you, and everything’s suddenly okay. You’re still holding my heart, baby I’ve come so far, but I’ve got so far left to go.

All my hopes and dreams crumpled and tossed aside like the letters left unwritten, left unsent
now all I have is a shattered heart and a pocketful of promises too broken to recognize and a book of letters left unread
and when everything is fallin’ apart, I think of you, and everything’s suddenly okay. You’re still holding my heart, baby I’ve come so far, but I’ve got so far left to go.

But writing is my disguise
It’s all I have now that you’re gone

[	Current Mood	|	creative	]
[	Current Music	|	Bigcitydreams- nevershoutnever	]

Hold me softly,

It’s dark in here, and I don’t know where you are

I won’t go home, I have no home

You are the only home I know

I can’t see what’s right in front of me,

I don’t know which way to go

I am lost and lonely and oh so confused

I need something familiar

Something to hold onto

Where’ve you gone?

I wish I remembered where I came from

Your black suns glowing like they were on fire

The tears they were crying like waterfalls

and it's times like these, i sit and wonder, wonder where those days go when they are done, the sun doesn't shine for anyone but you, so why won't you let it shine, boy, why won't you let it shine?

shall we dance? yes we shall, over the moon, across the sea. it could be over. it could be done. but i need this. i need this, more than you know.

I’d like to show you, show you there is so much more to me than you know.

and the way you laugh, it makes you shine, and your smile, it makes you glow, without you my world would be as insignificant

I like long nights, staying up just chatting and giggling in the darkness of a bedroom. I like butterfly nets, and strolls through the city at night. I like going under the bridges and just cranking our vocals, not caring if anyone hears us or not. I like dreaming. Sometimes, I dream about places that can’t possibly exist, or people that I don’t really know. I love stuffed animals and cuddling. I love Crayola crayons, and coloring at four in the morning; it’s a great experience. I think bear hugs are the greatest and the rib-crushing pain is more enjoyable. Holding hands is so cute, and I could get by without saying a word if I was holding someone’s hand. I like big hearty laughs, and smiles that take over your whole face. I think men’s sweaters are so comfy. I like loud music and the symphony channel on the radio. I like the concept of love, even though I am so afraid of it but it entices me. I like bugs and messy rooms that look lived in. I like old photos and poetry. The sound of the rain falling delicately on the roof is probably my favorite sound. I also like listening to the clicking of the keyboard. I like the pitter-patter in my heart when I feel so important and special. I like homemade meals and random midnight trips to tacobell. I love car rides and sticking my head out the window. I love the idea of running through a thunderstorm, especially without my shoes on. I wish I could grow a moustache, and I think dancing in puddles in my pajamas is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. I wish I had a dog, that was big and cuddly. I love my cat, Phoenix, and sometimes when I think of Kohl I want to cry. I like wearing hats, and I think dressing up and having photoshoots with my sister is one of the best ways to spend my day. I aspire to be an actress. I love singing and dancing and being on stage is a second home to me. The people I’ve met in drama are the best ones I know. I love playing soccer and I am going to miss the bus rides with the greatest team ever. I wish I could play piano and guitar. Vacuums scare me. I love playing make believe. I talk with my hands, they keep me on topic. Before I go to sleep I think about so many different things, and sometimes I make up life scenarios in my head. I get lost easily in crowds, and trash cans are my enemies. I like the smell of men’s deodorant and I like wearing their sweatpants. When I get nervous, I shake my right hand out. I don’t think I am nearly as talented as people tell me I am. I love long walks. I like building forts out of pillows and blankets and super Mario pajama pants. I like taking too many pictures. I prefer chapstick to lip gloss, and I like wearing red lipstick and aviators.

I don't know who I am yet, but when I find out, I want the world to know. I want people to see me and say "theres just something about her". Maybe they like it, maybe they don't, I just want it to be there.

[

Current Mood

|

loving

]

and somewhere in the world, beautiful things are happening. anywhere, everywhere, something new is happening. babies are being born as i sit here, and somewhere someone is finally getting their piece and quiet after years of misery and suffering. people love. people are beautiful. people want to help change the world and make it a better pleace for other people. people are capable of so much love and hope, and it is the most beautiful thing. people come together simply to help other people, not everyone needs some consolation, sometimes, people are just for the good of everyone. someone somewhere is helping someone, reaching out to someone, loving someone and sometimes, it all just hits me at once. so much beauty is out there, and we all miss it. we are too caught up on things of little or no value at al. people matter. and animals matter. and love matters. love is such a beautiful, powerful thing, and sometimes i just want to hug strangers and tell them to have a beautiful day. i want to smile at those people on the streets, and dance with them and tell them that in the end, everything will work out. sometimes, in my mind i say motivational/inspirational words to people walking down the street. sometimes, when i hear people yelling, i want to just grab them, and hold them, and tell them that everything will be okay, and that if they look on the bright side, a whole new side of life becomes apparent. and i just want to love and love and love. lovelovelove. until my heart explodes with all the beauty and love that i can find. some nights, i just want to breathe easy, and head back under the bridge to sing my heart out with some cool kids. i just want to cuddle under my blankets, and sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the word, and not have to wake up at any point throughout the day. i just want to love and love and love and love and have the love expanded a million times. i want to pass the love that i feel right now onto tons of beautiful people, who can pass it onto tons more, until the whole world is filled with beauty and love and hope. i'm so silly sometimes. i'm so silly.


but a girl can dream. <3

[	Current Mood	|	happy	]
[	Current Music	|	West Coast Friendship- Owl City	]

Dear You, [I am taking another crack at this letter thing]

I feel wonderful. It's weird for me to feel so good, so happy. But I do. And I can't help but thank you. And knowing you, you might actually read this at some point. I'm not sure what it is, but something is different. I just love our friendship, I love the way we are, and maybe, it is meant to stay that way; a deep friendship. Suppose that we DO at some point take a chance and try to switch it up, try for a relationship, if we ever do try to, and I mean this, it will not ruin our friendship if things don't work out. You and I are so similar, its actually ridiculous. I literally, say the same things as you do, and I have for a long time now. It's funny, actually, I find it funny. You are a great guy, really caring, and smart and to be honest, I'd have to say you are one of my best friends. I don't know. It's just like that. I don't know if that means much to you, but it means so much to me, because, I know that I can trust you with anything, and I know that you genuinely care and it's so nice. And it takes a lot for me to call people my best friends anymore, you are one of two people that i have actually called my best friend, in a long time, although I know that I at least have one more, i think, i've just never said it to them. You make me happy. And like I said, whether we are meant to be friends or whatever, you still make me happy. You are so hard on yourself, but you are truly a wonderful guy, and it's funny, because you say the same type of things to me. I like us. And you make me, like me. And clearly, I don't always like me so much. But, I guess you've really been helping me lately. i don't know if you understand, but i do. i don't find anything about us awkward or weird or anything like that, I find us ... just making sense. There is such an understanding between us, and I could tell you literally anything, including, weird, awkward thoughts, sad, depressing feelings, really lame jokes, anything, and you don't care. I don't need to lie, and I don't need to pretend, because you just get it. You get me. And few and far between REALLY do. It's funny, to think that its been what, 3 years that we've known each other. You are just one of those people that I feel like has always been in my life. I also think its funny that we have sometimes done this thing, where we will be so close, and then we kind of drift off for a bit, unintentionally, but somehow or another, we always find our way back, and it's always the same as before, if not better. I don't know if you know, but I do. I think we help each other well, we compliment each other nicely. It just works, it makes sense. And it's so nice to be around you, and talking to you, even if one of us isn't at our best, we like talking it out, we like helping each other. I find it ridiculous how the same we are. We can give the exact same advice to one another, and I think it does help some, because it's just us, telling each other like it is. I am so happy. I don't know if you get it. You are so wonderful, really, I think you are wonderful. You make me want to move toward the future and like myself more. Someday, when I get a car and a license, we are just going to go away during some break together, we are just going to go on a car trip to anywhere, and it will just be nice. I really have wanted to just go, without looking back, to find something new, and you and I are going to do it, we have to. I want to be happy when I am around you, and not only do i want to, I actually am. Even when i was really down a bit ago, when I am around you, I can't help but be happy, you are just that kind of person. i am so happy that it is only the beginning of the year, and that we still have two years together, [i'm sure we'll have more but, you know what i mean] because there are so many great things we can do, and i feel like we bring out a different side in each other, you are always on the go, and i think i help you just do nothing, and you make me happy. i have said happy so much, but i really am, i feel good. i have felt so good within like, the past week, like ESPECIALLY good. I don't know. I am rambling. But, thanks again. I look forward to spending more time with you!

Love,
Me