heytheresunshine.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-22T14:38:00

2009-12-22T19:38:26Z

Oh, it is good to be back. It has been too long. Yes, it's that time again. The spring musical. Few things could make me happier than this.Tonight marks rehearsal number one. Number one in a long list of rehearsals. Hours, and hours and hours of them. I love it. I couldn't be more excited for it. Late, late nights, early Saturday mornings, the works! I can't wait until we really get into it. Little groups, just working on their lines, songs, dances, all alone. Lunches in the practice rooms, perfecting lines and lyrics. Not getting to bed until until 3 in the morning, because rehearsals ran late and you were up doing your homework. Finding those nooks and crannies to nap in. I ended up leaving, and now its the next day. I lost of flow of thoughts. Ah well. Maybe later.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-19T23:03:00

2009-12-20T04:03:55Z

I do't enjoy or appreciate the comments some people make to me about the roles I obtain. I don't care about it, I am happy with what I get and what I have, but some things are unnecessary, but oh well, I am going to work harder to show that I can do it. If the "casting directors" didn't think I could do it, they wouldn't give me the part, right? Right. So I just have to prove that I can. I am very excited. I have missed drama. Monday is our first rehearsal. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait! And my brother got the part he wanted too! We were so excited! And I kept telling him about how proud of him I am, and yadda yadda yadda. We are so goofy. But, I am excited for Monday, I have missed drama a lot, and I have missed the late rehearsals, and the endless dancing, and the memorizing, and the antcipations and the group. AHHH. I am excited. It's weird, to think about how, a year, ago this time, my life was way different. Okay. I am going to watch The Sound of Music with Syd now.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-18T06:40:00

2009-12-18T11:40:56Z

My hips are sore, and my blankets are strewn about, and I know my sleep was restless. I don't rest when I sleep, I flail about, and it won't matter how much sleep I got, I will still be tired before long. I feel okay for roughly the first hour, and then by the time that's passed, my eyes are tired, and there's no guarentee I'll stay awake, except the passing bells prove that I don't need sleep. I don't know when I last slept over night, and woke up, with all my bed things in their regular place, nice and rested. I wake up confused, and the other night, after hours of napping, I woke up, picked up a pillow off the floor, carried it halfway down the stairs and left it. Occassionally, I type away message to find in the morning, and they always please me. I don't know. My dreams always confuse me. I remember mine, and I don't understand. They make about as much sense as I do normally. I think my teachers think I am weird. I am not that weird. Well, I am, but when I get hyper, I act worse. I don't know. I don't know. I never say anything other that 'I don't know'. And usually, I'm not even sure what I am talking about. I don't know why I am saying I don't know, most of the time. Blarg. I am going to lay down for the next 20 minutes, or so. I actually did my homework before this morning, it feels weird. I am impatient. Impatient. Impatient.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-16T23:41:00

2009-12-17T04:41:23Z

I am in the mood to drink loads of ginger ale, and sleep in late. I'd like to play Legend of Zelda all day long while my sister watches me, so I am not alone, but i can still play. I'd like loads and loads of pictures of lions and old ships. I might have to look them up. They are what inspire me. I don't feel like doing homework, and I do feel like sleeping. But I need another drink of ginger ale. No school tomorrow would be fabuolous.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-15T23:05:00

2009-12-16T04:05:12Z

I swear, the only things I want to do, are have big sleepovers with silly girls, where we play truth or dare and make baked goods to sleep in. If you'd like to partake tell me, thanks. I just want to adventure and have something to look forward to everyday!

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-13T01:37:00

2009-12-13T06:38:01Z

"But when I do the dishes
I run the water very, very, very hot
And then I fill the sink to the top with bubbles of soap
And then I set all the bottle caps on a float
And it's the greatest voyage in the history of plastic
And then I slip my hands in and start to make waves
And then I dip my tongue in take a taste
It tastes like soap, but it doesn't really taste like soap
And then I lower in my whole mouth and take a gulp"
Regina Spektor- Musicbox

A friend told me this part of this song reminds her of me, and it makes me happy!

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-11T20:31:00

2009-12-12T01:31:25Z

I wish everyone in the world could see these pictures from jr high. It's so funny, everyone looks so little! I wish I knew where my elementary yearbooks were, because those would just be a riot! I wish I'd had a camera back then, because there are so many things I don't remember about jr high at all. I wonder who remembers that stuff well, and could tell me all about myself. I feel so old when i think back to then. But, oh man, all I remember is that I was a super big dork, and I still am. And I love little me, except I was a creeperrr ;p and liked lame boys, and was such a loser ;p. But I wish I could really remember everything. But I can't. i have no idea who I was back then. I wish i could recreate those days in my mind. Days of a lot less complications and silly things. I wish i could see myself as I was before like... the middle of last year, when I became who I am right now. I wish.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-11T17:41:00

2009-12-11T22:41:56Z

I am worried. I am so, so worried about what's happening to me. I seriously am afraid that I am fading away, disolving. I think I am becoming so boring and unmemorable, that even I can't remember what I have been doing lately. All I ever want to do is sleep. I keep coming up into my room alone, and I don't turn any lights on. I grab my laptop and sit up here for hours reading about other people, until I fall asleep. I don't do anything anymore. I feel like I am getting angry all the time now, and I was doing so well. Something is wrong with me, I just know it. I am in a slump right now, and it had me worrying again. I need someone, or something. I can't keep doing all this. Having a laptop made me less social, I think. I used to be forced to sit down in the living room with people, and now I don't have to. Now I am free to be alone. I am scared of being alone. I can't hold grudges, merely because, I don't want to be alone. If people held grudges with me, then I would eventually have no one left. I need people. I really would love some company. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. If only for tonight.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-10T18:05:00

2009-12-10T23:05:26Z

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
1. You are such a sweetheart! I mean it, and I know you are busy lately, but I miss you a lot, and it's sort of weird. And this happens with you quite often, I know this isn't the first year. I wish you weren't so busy, because I liked that you actually listened to me, and cared about me. I've said most of this to you before, but I guess I just miss you, that's all.
2. I miss you. Really bad. Sometimes, I don't realize how much I miss you, and it surprises me. I haven't even known you for very long at all. And in the time we've known each other, it seems like everything became so crazy and weird, and so new for me. I guess, you've influenced me, like most people wouldn't understand, and I know that if I had never met you, I would be someone completely different. I know we rarely see each other anymore, and we talk a lot less because you have so much in your life that I am just sort of slipping away, but you are still important to me. I guess it happens, but either way, I hope that you really never will forget me, because I can't forget you. I miss the way it was with you last year. And I hope you know that I really do look forward to talking to you and seeing you, even if I don't always act like it. I hope you don't think that anymore. I really do hope you are happy.
3. You are a goon! Really, you are one of the silliest people I know, but at the same time, I know you take me very serious, especially in comparison to most people, who never listen to my crazy schemes. I guess this could actually go for the both of you, because we are such a little group now. And I love how, despite how we joke, you guys are both always there for me, making fun of me, and listening to my plans for us.
4. So, I guess I just really miss the way it was with us last year. It was weird, because I know you used to dislike me, and then we got so close, and then stupid things made us not close anymore, and while we still get along, I feel like there is still such a great tension between us, and it really bums me out.
5. I like how you always come back to see me, but I don't like how I hear you haven't been telling me things. It actually really hurts to hear that you have been keeping things from me, but pretending you aren't. Clearly, I value our friendship, and if you don't believe me, I guess you can look at things that I have done for you, that I wouldn't do for too many other people. I don't know. I miss the way things were this summer.
6. I am glad I actually started talking to you! Because, while I know we aren't close or anything, I actually feel like you really understand the things I say, even though, you don't know me well either. But either way, I always like to talk to you, because I know that you are one of the few people that sees things the way that i do. And I hope, that you have found a friend in me, because I'm here whenever you want to talk, and if you feel like your friends don't care about you anymore, because you really have a great personality!
7. I really miss you! And I never realize it, until I see you and then leave. But, I was happy to see you today, and sometime, we are going to have to come up and visit you like you said we could. Because, we always have great times, and I miss some of those late summer nights.
8. I really can't stand the sight of you.
9. [This could really be to a lot of people] I'm not scared!
10. While you are often a punk, I am glad we get along better than we used to. You are a really great kid, and I enjoy some of our random yet, hilarious adventures, and our random serious conversations.

NINE things about yourself:
1. The sound of my voice irritates me.
2. I love coloring pictures in crayon.
3. i wish I could be a dancer.
4. I, now, don't know whether I want to go to college or not.
5. Lions are one of my favorite animals.
6. Finding things I like, is really not difficult at all.
7. I think my laughing is too loud and sounds so stupid, but I love how it's a fully hearted laugh.
8. I appreciate the little things people do.
9. I get along with my whole family better than most people.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Sing to me!
2. Engage in deep conversation with me [Talking and Listening]
3. Smile and laugh with/at me!
4. Tell me something when I ask [and not like... the sky is blue]
5. Spend time with me because you want to.
6. Take walks with me.
7. Take me seriously.
8. Little common courtesy things; if you see me coming, hold the door, remember things I say, get along with my family. etc.
[that doesn't just have to be a relationship thing either]

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot [Lately]:
1. People
2. The future
3. Things from the past that actually meant something to me
4. Christmas
5. Roadtrips
6. Getting a job
7. Sleep/ school

SIX things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Bring my cat upstairs
2. Put my hair up
3. Think
4. Say goodnight to anyone I might be talking to
5. Change out of my jeans
6. Make myself comfortable

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment:
1. My family [I am grouping them all together]
2. Jenna
3. Nate
4. Andy
5. There are a lot of people that could fit here, so I won't put any.

FOUR things you're wearing right now:
1. Knee high green socks
2. Sweat pants
3. Hoodie
4. Ring

THREE songs you listen to often:
1. Samson- Regina Spektor
2. I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
3. Use Somebody- Kings of Leon
there are a lot more though

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Backpack through Europe
2. Be happy and find what I want

ONE confession:
1. I always let myself get too attached to people, knowing full well that someday, they might not want me or need me anymore, and knowing that when I have to say goodbye, it is going to break my heart.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-10T17:00:00

2009-12-10T22:00:59Z

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2009. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review."

January: Lately my mind has been clouded with thoughts about things I thought I'd let go of.

February + March: None

April: I haven't written anything in quite some time.

May: None

June: And if I had just stopped, and thought, a long time ago, things probably would be different.

July: None

August: Dear You, Im writing to tell you I miss you.

September: I dream of a place where I can go to get away.

October: Collegecollegecollege

November: Let's just climb into bed and cuddle.

December: I am beginning to doubt my choices.

Silly little girl.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-08T23:20:00

2009-12-09T04:21:01Z

I just cried. I have no idea where it came from, but I have felt it inside me for a while. I wasn't really sad, but all of a sudden, I just started crying. I kind of want to cry again, but I don't feel it inside me anymore. I don't know what I feel right now. I feel so strangely. Someone, talk to me, understand me, I am in need of something right now. What's going on?

I wrote this, this morning, and never posted it

2009-12-08T21:06:30Z

Right now, I have come to the conclusion, that I wish I never had to wear pants. But, I like the pants I'm wearing, I'm just not liking having to change them.

I'm sick now, no doubt about it. And my audition is tomorrow, so I will probably be dead before then; perfect, I know. Blarg! I would love to go on an adventure right now. After school, I simply have to wait until after school, if I live that long.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-08T01:04:00

2009-12-08T06:04:53Z

There are billions of people out there. Billions. I mean, that is one of those concepts that is incredible to me. Billions and billions of people. Made of stardust. What if it's true? That we are all made up of stardust. That the stars exploded so that we could be here. What an idea, right? What a mood I am in, so silly and lovely. I want to live in this romantic story book world, that I suppose doesn't really exist. Well, in my heart, and my mind it does. I am so silly. Silly, silly little girl. I am so cheesy. Isn't it funny to think back to a year ago. Nothing was the same. A year ago, I had no idea what was in store for me. A year ago, the musical hadn't started yet, I doubt auditions even had. Which is funny, because I don't even really remember who I was back then. I am someone so new now. I didn't know some of the people I know now. I never had some of the experiences I have now. I picture these things in my head, these memories of mine, that I treasure so much. It's funny to remember them. I miss them really bad. I miss my best friend. I miss knowing that for certain I had a best friend. Best friend. The silliest thing ever. I feel so happy and inspired and it's funny. When I feel this way, it doesn't last long, it never does. But I am so happy. Just imagine all the good little things out there. I feel like I did months ago. It's so silly, because I feel like my state of mind changed so much, and I love little things that remind me of what I was not too long ago. Less than a year, less than a year ago, I became what I am right now. I can just picture lovely spring days, and guitars and tickle fights, and trying to watching Nickelodeon in Spanish. Is it weird that I remember these things no one else remembers? Twice today, I mentioned things for some time ago that the other people involved didn't remember. Well, after a while one of them did. I love reading people's thoughts. I never realized that some people actually read mine. I want to take pictures, and go on winter walks that make my nose turn red with the cold. I want to ice skate on a real lake and sing Christmas carols. I want to feel holiday spirit and love and happiness. And today, me and my brother got along, and talked about how we hate when we fight. I do love that kid. <3 And tomorrow, it's to the mall with my girls to eat yogen fruz and shop [well watch Syd shop] ;p. Now that they both have licenses I am feeling many wonderful adventures because nothing is really holding us back! I feel so good, and it's so weird. I feel like spring break last year, which I suppose won't make much sense to most people, but I feel something similar to that lovely feeling I had one of those days after a silly track practice. I feel so in love with the world. I really wish that I could spread this feeling around. I just feel like smiling, and hugging people, and cuddling up, because my dad said it's going to be cold these next few days. Ahhh, snow. <3 My kitty is being so cute, laying on my bed now, because she doesn't like the cold. I wrapped Christmas presents yesterday, and spent time with my mom! Over the weekend I spent time with most of my favorite people; those silly boys and my girls! <3 I like sleeping on the floor when my room is jammed packed full of losers; including those boys that I never see, And auditions are this week. And I am sort of nervous. Tomorrow, I am forcing myself to watch the whole movie, because I keep putting it offffffff, ahhhh! I can't even go on anymore, but I hope that everyone else is doing well. And if someone would like to dance with me, that would be nice too! <3

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-07T00:42:00

2009-12-07T05:42:18Z

I want something. Something bigger and better than this. There has to be so much more than this. I want some unstructured freedom. I want to go for long car rides, blasting Disney music and singing along as loud as we can to raise our spirits. I don't want to worry about homework, but instead, I'll just laze around with people all around me, taking pictures. I want to cuddle up, on cold, dark nights and let it just be innocent. I want to meet people like me, with my thoughts and ideals. The songs from Disney sort of inspire me. I want to lay out under the stars, in the darkness of the night, while they make up their silly, insulting songs that make us all try to cover and control our giggles. I want so many people packed into my room to sleep that it's that good kind of crowded.

I don't know what's going on, really. Somewhere out there, is a bigger picture. Bigger than all of us and everything, Who knows why we are here, what led up to everything. Some people are so dead set on their beliefs, but I am not. I don't have anything set in stone. Nothing about me. Everything is so questionable.

My mind is fluttering to and fro right now. I really should do my homework but now my mind cavities are all opening. I am remembering, and scheming, and dreaming, and thinking about everything. So much is out there to see, and experience. I can see myself, living a "poor" life, but really experiencing more than people understand. I can see myself huddled together with some lovely being, simply to keep warm because we don't have any heat in our dumpy little home. Maybe we'll just lay together and dream about the places we'll go, and since we don't have much, nothing will hold us back. We'll go out and see things, and love deeply. There are so many things out there, why plan everything out? Live spontaneously. Love endlessly. Never stop dreaming. Somewhere out there, THINGS are happening. Things no one understands. Things so many miss out on. It's getting late. I should at least read some more of that English book, I think I'll be up for a while.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-03T17:01:00

2009-12-03T22:01:39Z

Today I realized how young I am. Right now, as I curl up, alone in my bed. I clutch my knees to my chest as I lay on my side, breathing lightly. Chase Coy and other various artists play in the background. Right now, If the Moon Fell Down Tonight lulls me. My homework lays unfinished, no, untouched in my bag on the floor. I am still in my jeans, and they struggle to stretch with the shape of my legs as I tuck them in close. I stare at Perry and Oscar [a t-rex and seal respectively.] I might fall asleep again, too early, I won't get to bed until late. Again. I should do something productive, but all I want is a snack and a nap. I am too young. I am a silly little girl. I'm immature. I laugh at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes, I just want to cuddle and not think. I want to color pictures and sleep in late and play pretend and dress up and Pirates.

I swear, everytime I start writing here, something happens that drastically alters my mood. I am sick of fighting with my brother, but he makes me so angry sometimes. Ugh, now I am really angry. Now I don't want to talk anymore.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-12-03T00:49:00

2009-12-03T05:49:34Z

I am beginning to doubt my choices. And that's not fair. They are my choices. I'm only 16. I'm easily swayed. I really have no idea what I want anymore, or what to decide. I feel like, when I tell most people my plans, they judge me, don't take me seriously, or try to change my mind, That's not fair. Next month, I turn 17. It's not a relly important year or anything. I don't know. Few people take into consideration what I want and where I am coming from. It's like I have to live my life for them. If I mess up, then I do. Don't judge me for it. Everyone wants me to do what they think is best for me, but none of them take the time to hear what I have to say. I know educations are important, I know, blahblahblah. I am not stupid or ignorant. I have knowledge. I am observant. And I am determined. I know what i want. And no one cares to know about it. I don't know why it matters. People are always trying to look out for me, and help me, and I really appreciate them. I appreciate educations too. I just don't like the way they are done. I get good grades, but I don't think the way people are graded is fair. "Life's not fair." Something's can be. Something's are out of our control. But the way things are graded? We should have some control over that. If I understand the material then i get a good grade. Something's are just difficult to understand. So, because you can't grasp a concept, even though you spend hours studying, and going in for help, and tutoring, you get a bad grade? That isn't fair. But, I, who never studies, and barely tries, but understands concepts, get good grades? That's isn't fair. I am actually a silly girl. Because, I am one of those people that doesn't try, but grasps concepts, therefore giving me good grades. And instead of accepting it, I argue about it, because I care about fairness. Does that make sense? No. Okay, so I have a lot on my mind. But I wish I knew what I was thinking. And what I want. I am having a tough time with that.

I literally just lost the will to do any of my plans. And I guess I really have on idea what I am going to do with my life at all. And I just lost all my inspiration and momentarily, my dreams have fluttered out the window and I don't know if I want to chase them back down, or just sit and do what everyone else is doing. I don't know if I want to go to college. I don't know if I want to take a year off. I don't know anything anymore. I just lost it all. And I really hope I can figure this out now. I had everything set up in a particular way, and now it's back to square one. Everything just fell down. I have absolutely no idea anymore. I am going to bed before I get upset.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-30T23:41:00

2009-12-01T04:41:43Z

Whenever I fall asleep and wake back up, I am so disoriented, and my thought process has become so different in comparison . Over these past few weeks, I feel like I've really changed. I don't know, it's weird, but I see actual changes. I'm growing and learning. My mind is so wild. It rarely makes sense and is so skippy and fleeting. So much is going on up there. I'm so sily. So, so silly. I need to go, nothing understandable is going on now, I am not focusing on any thoughts. It's almost like I'm not thinking. What is going on? I don't know, but it's okay.

It's all okay.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-30T00:22:00

2009-11-30T05:22:30Z

Someday, I'll be far away from this place. Far away from the familar sights and smells that I have become so accustomed to over the course of my life. Far away from these people, so close minded and foolish and judgemental. 'Far from the home I love.' I love this town, despite its lack of entertainment, and its polluted lake. I love the streets that I walk some nights, that I will always know the destinations they'll take me to. I'll miss our collection of Dunkin Donuts and sub places. I'll miss laying in this bed, with my cat scratching at the door trying to escape, or laying at the foot of my bed, sleeping and twitching and purring. I'll miss my lack of a ceiling light in my room and my lime green walls and bright blue ceiling. And I'll miss laying here, typing silly little girl thoughts about things I am so passionate about, about this education system, and how I hate homework, and how someday I'll be gone from this place. I'll miss my random collection of odds and ends, and having people show up for a place to hang out or sleep or whatever. I'll miss my goofy looking floor and my pirate flag and all the memories I've made here. I'll miss the people and the times and the summers. I'll miss sleeping until one and staying up until four the next morning talking to whoever would turn up that day/night. I'll miss endless pictures wiht Jenna and Syd where we make the creepiest faces and then we laugh like hyenas. When we would go out in the wee hours of the morning and head to Dunkin Donuts to meet up with people that wanted to see me. I'll miss random walks to Wendy's in the cold with people that will talk to me about everything. I'll miss stopping in people's house for what is supposed to be a few moments, but then staying for hours talking to their mothers and sisters about everything, simply because. I'll miss all the words I said, whether I meant them or not. And I'll miss all those people that will still be here when I go. Because I will go. And I won't look back and regret going. Someday, I'll come back, and I will walk these streets again. And I'll sleep in this bed again, and see some of these people again. But not too soon. And not the same. I'll be out there when I return. I'll be an entertainer then. Movies. Broadway. Tours. Any of it. All of it. I'll have touched on my dreams, and I'll come home. And I'll never forget. I'll never forget that this was my first home. No matter where I end up. Europe, LA, NYC, wherever. These people and these streets and this city, are where my roots are. Oh, what a silly little mind I have. And how I do ramble. I just get so excited, and I am so excited. The other day, my mom mentioned that I should start looking up agents and agencies and what not. Another step closer. I am so much happier lately. So much happier. And I am so excited about my future and where I am going to go and when I am going to get there. I am so excited about everything. Everything. My dreams feel within reach. Look for me. Look for me up in the stars. I'll be shining. I need to tone it down. I think am getting too confident, perhaps. Well, I'll lean back and breathe deeply and smile and hold my head up and be who I am, who I always was, and always will be.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-29T18:36:00

2009-11-29T23:36:35Z

HallelujahI never want to go back to school ever again.

Sure, that's probably a stupid thing to say, I should be happy for my education and all that. These are the formative years, well, okay, those were years ago. But it's the same point, we spend our formative years in school instead of out experiencing and learning in a better way. Book learning is necessary to an extent, there are things everyone should know how to do, but somethings are unnecessary; why do I need to know how to decide a triangle is a triangle? I already know what a triangle looks like! Side-Angle-Side, Angle-Side-Angle, what? That will never help me, ever in my life, unless I become a Geometry teacher or something, which is not what I want to do. I just want to skip the rest of high school, because most of the classes that I have to take are entirely unnecessary for the field I intend on going into. And I am not stupid, I get really good grades, so it's not that I have a hard time in school and that's why I don't like it. I don't spend hours studying, or researching or anything, and I think the way grading is done is unfair, because of kids like me. Which, I know, it's stupid to complain about something when I get the better end of the deal, I guess I like fairness though. It doesn't make sense for me to complain about it, but, I wish I could do something about it. I wish I could change something, but even if I do, by that point, my kids'll be in school, assuming I have kids. I don't even know if I want kids, or to get married or anything. And I don't even know why I am thinking about it, because I am 16, and I don't intend to get married any time soon. I don't make any sense at all! I want to do so much and feel so much, and live every single day. I want happiness, and I will never be happy doing work that doesn't mean something to me. And what I do in school means nothing to me, I just want to do nothing. By doing nothing, I am actually doing so much more thn by reading books that mean nothing to me, and learning things that mean nothing. I want to go to a new school. Based around performing and entertaining. They have schools like that, what if I transferred? What if I moved to a school where there were people like me? Odd. Offbeat. Silly. Ridiculous. What if I moved far away? What if we just ran away? Let's do it. Let's go! This plan of mine, I am going to work harder, so much harder. I am looking forward to this, all of it. I can't wait! I am happy. And I don't mean to sound like one of those kids that is like "When will we use this?" I am genuinely curious. I get good grades, and I understand things and so, if I was most people, I would accept it, and be happy about it. But I want to understand. I don't know. I don't know. I make no sense.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-27T02:44:00

2009-11-27T07:44:08Z

And I am excited. Really excited. There isn't a very good reason for it, I just am. I suppose, in my head, I am thinking about all the things that I tell myself I am going to do some day. And I am going to do them. I'm very excited. And I like it. I like thinking about all these dreams and goals I have, and the more people seem to doubt me, the more it motivates me. I will show them all. And to those that have always believed in me, its not like I can ever forget them. I don't hate where I live, some of the people aren't so great, but I like it here. It's my home, it's helped make me who I am, how can I not like it? But it is also a motivation; so many people seem to get stuck here, and I refuse to let that happen to me, I am going to be somebody, I am going to make something of myself. I want to be a person that people look up to, and admire, and like. And so I am trying to change so habits, and work on somethings. The more I dream though, the more ahead of myself I get. I am already to just pack up, and get out; drive all the way across the country for something that so many other people want, just like me. I am determined though. Even if I am paying rent in a dumpy apartment with a crazy roommate, waitressing and doing odd jobs to make it, I will never give up. I really should get a job soon, and I know I keep saying that, but the more money I can get now, I can save now. So then, after high school, I CAN go across the country in pursuit of these big dreams. I believe in myself. I think I can do it. I really, really do. It's so weird, for me to feel so confident in myself. But I am. And I know a lot of people who believe in me too. I realize how lucky I am for all the people in my life, that think I can do this; especially my parents. My dad drove me all the way to Orlando, Florida a few years ago, so that I could perdorm in front of agents and what not. My mom isn't going to force me to go to college or anything, if I choose to pursue my dream first. My parents respect my choices and my decisions and are actually encouraging me, and helping me out. And I love them. It's not Thanksgiving anymore, but they are one thing I am eternally thankful for. Of course, I am also thankful for the rest of my family, all of them. I was talking to one of my cousins the other day; she's an incredible photographer, and she said that she can take some headshots for me, considering the last ones I had taken, I was 14, and the lady straightened my hair, when she should've known better. I'm almost 17 now, I need new shots. It seems funny to be almost 17. I am so small, and I am maturely immature... or immaturely mature, I am not sure which. When I am serious, I am serious, but I still know how to be goofy [I am goofy quite often]. I am in such a good mood right now. And I feel so good about myself. Which is strange. But I like it. I like being happy with who I am, and who I'm becoming. I am so corny/cheesy when I am in good moods. It's okay though, right now, I don't even care. I need to make a list of things that I need to do, to help me move towards where I want to go. It excites me; this whole idea of doing what I want to do. Not living in this routine life of daily boringness, but living where I am doing what I love, compared to what I have to. I have all these schemes in my mind, about how I am going to get myself to LA and when. But I am not worried, its going to happen. And when it does, you better be ready, world, I am coming. Look out, here I come. And I am coming loud and bold, and when I am through, I want to have changed the world for the better!

What big aspirations from such a little, little girl.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-25T00:00:00

2009-11-25T05:00:24Z

Letter to the Editor- by Patty and Clare

Another page is turned. Another ripped out. It’s like the end of a story.
Not knowing what to say,
and wasting time
Notebook after notebook wasted,
apologies no one has heard

I’ve spent years, years of shredded papers and empty pens, writing letter’s no one’s read, trying to find the right words to say

Don’t close the book
Don’t turn the page
Don’t erase the words written
leave it be, let it rest
my hand is tired, and so are my eyes, I’m weary and restless

Another moment wasted writing words you'll never read
you never cared enough to write back to me
after you left I continued to write, and you continued to pretend I never existed
you tore out my heart like a page of empty words
I’ve carried these memories, written in scrawl, on paper napkins from nights out alone
things I wouldn’t tell anyone but you.

I’ve spent years, years of shredded papers and empty pens, writing letter’s no one’s read, trying to find the right words to say

Don’t close the book.
Don’t turn the page
don’t erase the words written
leave it be, let it rest
my hand is tired, and so are my eyes, I’m weary and restless

This isn’t what I wanted.
It isn’t fair to you or me
now all I have is a shattered heart and a pocketful of promises too broken to recognize and a book of letters left unread
And when everything is fallin’ apart, I think of you, and everything’s suddenly okay. You’re still holding my heart, baby I’ve come so far, but I’ve got so far left to go.

All my hopes and dreams crumpled and tossed aside like the letters left unwritten, left unsent
now all I have is a shattered heart and a pocketful of promises too broken to recognize and a book of letters left unread
and when everything is fallin’ apart, I think of you, and everything’s suddenly okay. You’re still holding my heart, baby I’ve come so far, but I’ve got so far left to go.

But writing is my disguise
It’s all I have now that you’re gone

Random Gibberish Word Documents I Came Across

2009-11-24T03:19:11Z

all of the below, are random poetic thoughts i once put down, as they popped into my head, it would take me too long to say anything else:

Hold me softly,

It’s dark in here, and I don’t know where you are

I won’t go home, I have no home

You are the only home I know

I can’t see what’s right in front of me,

I don’t know which way to go

I am lost and lonely and oh so confused

I need something familiar

Something to hold onto

Where’ve you gone?

I wish I remembered where I came from

Your black suns glowing like they were on fire

The tears they were crying like waterfalls

and it's times like these, i sit and wonder, wonder where those days go when they are done, the sun doesn't shine for anyone but you, so why won't you let it shine, boy, why won't you let it shine?

shall we dance? yes we shall, over the moon, across the sea. it could be over. it could be done. but i need this. i need this, more than you know.

I’d like to show you, show you there is so much more to me than you know.

and the way you laugh, it makes you shine, and your smile, it makes you glow, without you my world would be as insignificant

you make every star seem as significant as the entire sun shining down on me

I like long nights, staying up just chatting and giggling in the darkness of a bedroom. I like butterfly nets, and strolls through the city at night. I like going under the bridges and just cranking our vocals, not caring if anyone hears us or not. I like dreaming. Sometimes, I dream about places that can’t possibly exist, or people that I don’t really know. I love stuffed animals and cuddling. I love Crayola crayons, and coloring at four in the morning; it’s a great experience. I think bear hugs are the greatest and the rib-crushing pain is more enjoyable. Holding hands is so cute, and I could get by without saying a word if I was holding someone’s hand. I like big hearty laughs, and smiles that take over your whole face. I think men’s sweaters are so comfy. I like loud music and the symphony channel on the radio. I like the concept of love, even though I am so afraid of it but it entices me. I like bugs and messy rooms that look lived in. I like old photos and poetry. The sound of the rain falling delicately on the roof is probably my favorite sound. I also like listening to the clicking of the keyboard. I like the pitter-patter in my heart when I feel so important and special. I like homemade meals and random midnight trips to tacobell. I love car rides and sticking my head out the window. I love the idea of running through a thunderstorm, especially without my shoes on. I wish I could grow a moustache, and I think dancing in puddles in my pajamas is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. I wish I had a dog, that was big and cuddly. I love my cat, Phoenix, and sometimes when I think of Kohl I want to cry. I like wearing hats, and I think dressing up and having photoshoots with my sister is one of the best ways to spend my day. I aspire to be an actress. I love singing and dancing and being on stage is a second home to me. The people I’ve met in drama are the best ones I know. I love playing soccer and I am going to miss the bus rides with the greatest team ever. I wish I could play piano and guitar. Vacuums scare me. I love playing make believe. I talk with my hands, they keep me on topic. Before I go to sleep I think about so many different things, and sometimes I make up life scenarios in my head. I get lost easily in crowds, and trash cans are my enemies. I like the smell of men’s deodorant and I like wearing their sweatpants. When I get nervous, I shake my right hand out. I don’t think I am nearly as talented as people tell me I am. I love long walks. I like building forts out of pillows and blankets and super Mario pajama pants. I like taking too many pictures. I prefer chapstick to lip gloss, and I like wearing red lipstick and aviators.

I don't know who I am yet, but when I find out, I want the world to know. I want people to see me and say "theres just something about her". Maybe they like it, maybe they don't, I just want it to be there.

I want there to be something about me that people just notice. Maybe they won't like it, but I'll be fine as long as it's there. I laugh too loud and I talk too often. I sing things that make no sense. I use my hands to keep me on topic. I'm just a silly little girl.

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-23T00:57:00

2009-11-23T05:57:32Z

Shall we dance in the afterglow of everything we once knew? Shall we sing in the early hours of the morning, like birds, people waking to our song? Shall we laugh, and reach out and cheer a face of gloom? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I whisper quietly. Tears shed should not be wasted. Shall we dancedancedance? Shall we singsingsing? I'd like someone here with me. Someone warm and charming, passionate and beautiful. Why look at that? Why see things that way? Shall we livelivelive? Shall we lovelovelove? I love. I love a lot. Why do I feel so different? Why don't I fit? Something is not right. It can't be normal. i can't be. I am not. I accept it. What is different? Do I seem different? Do people understand this? Does anyone understand this? Nonsense. Nonsense. My mind is nonsense. Garbled nonsense. Does this make sense? My mind is a mess of random garbage. Who cares? No one should. This wastes time. This makes no sense. I make no sense. This is a waste of time. What is this? I am getting out of here. I have to. I will. I will not waste away. I will live for you. All of you. Wasted time. My mother understands. I love her. She believes in me. She doesn't have to say it. She trusts me. I don't have to go. She'll let me do anything. I am inspired. I am inspired. Shall we inspire-inspire? That's what I want. Does this make sense? i don't care. I am happy. I am excited. I make no sense. I am happy. I am excited. I make no sense.

Happy. Excited. No Sense. Happy. Excited. No Sense. Happy Excited No Sense. HappyExcitedNoSense. happyexcitednosense. I lovelovelove. I lovelovelove. Happy excited nonsense. I am nonsense.

Nonsense. <3

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-18T23:45:00

2009-11-19T04:45:11Z

I swear, whenever I am unhappy, its because I let other people get to my head. I can't seem to do anything for me, I have to do them for other people. Or maybe that's wrong. I'm all wrong. I'm all wrong. My head, it can't be right. This must all be wrong then. All of it. I don't believe in this. I don't know what I am talking about. I need to go to bed. I never get enough sleep. It's not midnight yet, I'm not breaking the rules. But, I shouldn't wait this long. But I was talking. If I'd gone to bed though, two people would be in slightly better moods. Maybe. Ugh. What is wrong with me? Am I alright? Am I alright? I don't know why repeating things makes me feel better, but to an extent it does. Am I just a jerk? A jerk that deserves this. Do I deserve to be unhappy, to be miserable? Do I deserve to be treated this way? No. No. No I don't think so. But who's fault is it? Is it mine? Is it always mine? I think so. I don't know. One step forward, two steps back. In all the time I thought I was healing, was I just staying where I was? Did I ever move forward at all? Well, I did a little. I moved on from you. And I know why. Because a good night talking to you put me in a good mood, and a bad one in a bad mood. That's why you aren't good for me. Because when things don't go well, I'm not well. If i'm such a "good person" why is everyone else constantly making me feel like I can never be god enough?

endles_sunshine @ 2009-11-17T23:05:00

2009-11-18T04:05:17Z

And it just so happens that your awkwardness makes me happy. I don't think it's awkward, but you do, you do. I think it's cute. And I think it's cute that you care when no one else seems to. I love how you try to make me do what's right for me, even though I don't care enough too. My brother does that, too, and it actually makes me laugh. It makes me happy how you are trying to make me go to bed, when I clearly, will do as I please. I don't know why; I feel so old, so rebellious. I feel silly. And you make me happy. And I like that. You are a silly boy, and I like it. I do. And I am proud of what I've done, I did it for you. And you don't know, and you don't need to. Because I know. And maybe someday, you will too. Let's just see. Let's see. Thank you, darling, thank you.